How To: Bottle Drinking

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07/17/2012 by Stephen Silke

(c) Patrick Norton

The Orchard, Cambridge

In preparation for the new baby boy, I’ve been thinking a lot about bottles. There are three ways to drink out of a glass bottle. Technique determines how others perceive your drinking acumen.

Number one is to hold the bottle at its base. In this scenario, it is obvious that you are both pouring and lifting it to your lips. Others will not believe that you have any credibility if you share your opinion on the quality or notes present or lacking in the bottled liquid.

In scenario two, you grasp the bottle commandingly at its label. You make sure not to cover the label which indicates your chosen year and vintner. As you lift the bottle to your lips sans glass, you will pause and verbally engage, thus winning any kind of argument about preference in year, brand, variety and subtle flavors in the liquid you are about to sip.

Number three is the way of the wino. You wrap your palm around the neck of the bottle and guzzle, or sit expressionless even if the liquid has been “downed” long ago. In this scenario, watch our for spare change that may hit you bodily, even if not begged for.

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